Hi again folks!
Well after my last post I have to say I was overwhelmed by the supportive response from you all and I appreciate everything you folks have said in my comments and on my Facebook page. Thank you for making me feel so much better and that I am not alone in my struggles.
Firstly I would like to talk about ‘the talk’. After the revelations from my last post I knew that I needed to sit down with my daughter and talk to her about the issues that were raised. I started by talking to her first about the mobile phone use at night and the high bill . Straight away she knew that she had done wrong by using the internet on her phone while she was being punished for her previous use on the computer. As a result I have taken away her phone until the end of the month and I told her I will think about giving it back then but she might not have it as she has already racked up a bill over her usage allowance for next month as well. I also contemplated taking away her computer but as she uses it to talk to her friend who lives quite a distance away I thought it might not be the best decision under the circumstances of her feeling lonely.
After that I then moved on to talk about her attitude and outlook on life at the moment. I asked her why she felt so isolated and why she felt so upset all of the time. I explained why we decided to look through her messages because we had become so concerned at the fact she shut herself off in her bedroom all of the time, would burst into tears for no reason and had written comments about strangling herself. She said she did not know why she was feeling these things and she did not know why she was so upset. I can kind of understand that a lot of this will be raging hormones and is something that most parents will be going through when their kids hit this age.
I explained to her how upset we felt about some of the comments she had made about her sister and about feeling like the ‘forgotten child’ and then went on to tell her that it wasn’t anything that we intended. I explained to her that it wasn’t a situation that we chose to be in and that our lives had changed just as much as she felt that her had changed as well. I said that it wasn’t something that my youngest daughter had chosen to suffer and that we had no choice to support and care for her because we love her and she is part of our family just the same as we would care for any one of our kids if they suffered the same (although we hope it never happens). I realise reading this it might seem harsh but it wasn’t said this way and I was calm, collected and I didn’t lose my temper.
I then asked her why it was that she felt so upset and she seemed really reluctant to tell me but I decided to press at it and hopefully draw it out of her. Eventually we moved on to the topic of school and the fact that she will be starting secondary school this September. Now I don’t know if I have talked about this before but she attends a school in an area where we used to live but as she only had a short time to go when we moved to our adapted bungalow, we decided to keep her there to avoid disruption and separating from her friends. This was when we decided to give her the computer to chat to her friends on Skype so she didn’t feel too far away. The secondary school that she was going to go to was one very close to our home as it we live in the catchment area and the school that she goes to feeds into one quite a long way away from where we live.
After what seemed like an age we finally got her to admit that she was worried about changing schools and then I asked her if she wanted to go to the other school that most of her current classmates will be going to. She admitted that she would have loved to go there but, bless her, it would be ‘too much hassle for us to get her there’. I almost broke down into tears thinking that she was so concerned about the difficulties it would cause to us that she had kept these feelings locked away to herself. I told her that it didn’t matter whether it caused us ‘hassle’ if it would truly make her happy then we would find a way of making it work because all I want in life is to see my wife and my children happy. I don’t care about material things or holidays or even times where I have suffered personally with pain because of my back, as long as I can see them smiling I am the richest and most happy guy in the world. I had to explain to her that we might not be able to change the school because of the boundaries and other factors that the school take into consideration but we would try our best.
The following day we were on a mission. We telephoned the school that my daughter wants to go to and explained the situation that we were in, how she had a friend at the school who was in a similar family situation and how upset our daughter had been. They said that if we fill out some forms and send them in then they still had some places left at the school and they would keep an eye out for her application specifically so they could make a note of it. So we are waiting for the paperwork to come through and with everything crossed it should just be a formality for her changing to go to that school. When we told her she lit up. You could see the relief on her face and she said she felt a lot better about going to that school where she could still see her friends.
Fast forward a couple of days, my daughter has had her bedroom door open almost the whole time, she has been laughing and making her ‘funny voices’ again, she has sat in the living room and watched T.V with us and has actually opened up a lot more and become my gorgeous, cheerful and dare I say it, happy little girl again. I guess it taught me a lesson about how kids think and what seems like a small, insignificant thing to us can mean a huge difference to them. It was so easy for us to sort out and it was a simple lack of communication between all of us that could have led to God knows what kind of result. I dread to think that she could have gone another 5 years of total misery through something so simple to sort out. Also as it turns out there is public transport that stops on our street that will take her to the school gates. So all that worry she had about ‘hassle’ turned out to be in vain anyway as a simple bus journey will get her to her new school.
As for the resentment that she was feeling towards her little sister we pointed out that she gets just as much in the way of gifts and most of what is bought for her sister is using money from her birthday or christmas that is still left over. We were also told by a friend from SWAN UK (You can find their blog here or the link at the side of the page) about an organisation called Sibs who work with the siblings of children and adults with special needs. They offer lots of ideas and support for parents in how they can include siblings and spend some quality time with them but it also has pages designed for the sibling themselves to read and look through trying to explain the roles of caring and what goes along with the territory.
I guess the lesson I have learned from this is that ‘making a mountain from a molehill’ and keeping feelings and worries bottled up does nobody any good. I am starting to try to address this in my own life by writing this blog and sharing my thoughts and feelings with the world in ways that make sense of things in my own mind but also, I hope, offer an insight into how the mind of a carer, insomniac, chronic pain riddled guy works but I need to encourage my daughter to realise that when I told her that her thoughts and opinions are just as valid in our house as ours are I really did mean it. She is part of our family home and is at an age where her thoughts, ideas and opinions are strong and she should be given an opportunity to voice them. I explained it does not mean that she will always get her own way but she will at least have it explained to her why this is the case. After all opinions are like backsides, everybody has one!
So once again all seems to be happy in our household and , for now at least, there are smiles on my wife and daughter’s faces……I am a very lucky, happy and rich man.
So until next time, Stay safe and be happy!
Sleepless In Newcastle 