I had the usual insomnia problem again tonight but after having a really bad week I am not really surprised. I have spent most of my ‘free’ time listening to music and trying to listen to a different band each day. We managed to get some relief from our school holiday hell when Zanna’s mum came over and watched the kids for a couple of hours while we caught a movie. Even that small amount of time was just enough to stop me from going insane with Pretzel and her constant squealing all day and night. I haven’t even had the energy or brain power to post in the past couple of weeks at all. We also received some information that was a bit of a shock about Pretzel’s condition which has left us a bit stunned and shaken so we are still coming to terms with what it may mean. Music seems to help me to deal with a lot of things and I thought I might share some of my experiences with you.
Photograph by Shirlaine Forrest
The Band Member: An old incarnation of me
As I was sitting at my computer I decided to have a flick through my many music files and I came across some of the old music files that my old band recorded before I left and got a lot worse with my chronic pain. I used to eat, live and breathe the band life and I was in love with it. We once travelled from Newcastle to Colchester music festival and back in a single day which was around 5 1/2 hours just get there, we played our set and then turned around and drove back for 5 1/2 hours. It was challenging but we all had a good laugh together and it is something I miss with all my heart. It is only when listening to the tracks that we recorded that I realised that I have not been able to look at my Bass guitar or even pick it up to play since I became officially disabled. I find it too hard to think about how I used to jump and bounce around a stage playing my guitar compared to the guy who can’t stand without being in extreme pain. I almost sold my gear a little while ago but something inside me just couldn’t and I don’t know why. Maybe something is telling me I might get back to playing again but then part of me says that I shouldn’t torture myself with it still being in my house unused.
Photo by Suzanne Addison
The other sad thing I realised as well is that ever since leaving the band I have lost touch with the guys I used to spend so much time with. I still have them as friends on Facebook but something always crops up to distract me every time that I think about getting back in touch with them. I guess it is the price I have learned I have to pay as a disabled guy and a parent of a disabled child who spends so much time in a carers role. It is that same problem of being ‘trapped’ in a life where socialising revolves around appointments for myself and my daughter and the limited contact that I can manage with people via the internet. It is one of those things where I am not sure if it is me making excuses and hiding away from the world or if it is the world hiding itself away from me and the problems and difficulties I have in my life.
Is there a way back for me?
So now I am sitting with a lot of questions about my life once again. I love my music and I love playing musical instruments but realistically is there any type of performing that I could do with my disability that lets me play the music I like? I am not sure there is to be honest and it has me wondering if I should think about selling my equipment and stop torturing myself with a life I am not going to get back to? Should I look at other musical outlets that are more achievable like singing instead? I feel that losing music altogether is a step that I don’t want to take as it has been part of my life since I was 5 years old. I miss going to the gigs, the feeling of joy once the gig was over and that buzz that surges through your body, energising it to the core. I miss the rehearsal room, the comradery between the band members, the stories that we could tell about gigging and the pleasure of entertaining people. I suppose most of all I miss the guys who were in the band with me and their families and friends who used to come down and see us at every gig. They became like adopted family and friends to me and since my life became so hectic I lost touch with them too. I am not sure whether trying to get in touch with everyone again is a good idea or not? Any suggestions?
So as a treat here is a link to a couple of the tracks that I used to play on with the band Caplyn about 7 years ago now. The band carried on under the same name and they have a new line up. You can see them by visiting their website over at http://www.caplyn.co.uk
The songs that I played on in my time in the band are here:
So there you have it, a little more information about me and one of the things I used to / still do love to do in my spare time. I hope you enjoyed the tracks and if you do get the chance to go and see the band Caplyn live, get yourself down because they are a great bunch of lads and you will have a great time.
Until next time folks, Stay Safe and Keep Smiling!
Sleepless In Newcastle 