I had the usual insomnia problem again tonight but after having a really bad week I am not really surprised. I have spent most of my ‘free’ time listening to music and trying to listen to a different band each day. We managed to get some relief from our school holiday hell when Zanna’s mum came over and watched the kids for a couple of hours while we caught a movie. Even that small amount of time was just enough to stop me from going insane with Pretzel and her constant squealing all day and night. I haven’t even had the energy or brain power to post in the past couple of weeks at all. We also received some information that was a bit of a shock about Pretzel’s condition which has left us a bit stunned and shaken so we are still coming to terms with what it may mean. Music seems to help me to deal with a lot of things and I thought I might share some of my experiences with you.
Photograph by Shirlaine Forrest
The Band Member: An old incarnation of me
As I was sitting at my computer I decided to have a flick through my many music files and I came across some of the old music files that my old band recorded before I left and got a lot worse with my chronic pain. I used to eat, live and breathe the band life and I was in love with it. We once travelled from Newcastle to Colchester music festival and back in a single day which was around 5 1/2 hours just get there, we played our set and then turned around and drove back for 5 1/2 hours. It was challenging but we all had a good laugh together and it is something I miss with all my heart. It is only when listening to the tracks that we recorded that I realised that I have not been able to look at my Bass guitar or even pick it up to play since I became officially disabled. I find it too hard to think about how I used to jump and bounce around a stage playing my guitar compared to the guy who can’t stand without being in extreme pain. I almost sold my gear a little while ago but something inside me just couldn’t and I don’t know why. Maybe something is telling me I might get back to playing again but then part of me says that I shouldn’t torture myself with it still being in my house unused.
Photo by Suzanne Addison
The other sad thing I realised as well is that ever since leaving the band I have lost touch with the guys I used to spend so much time with. I still have them as friends on Facebook but something always crops up to distract me every time that I think about getting back in touch with them. I guess it is the price I have learned I have to pay as a disabled guy and a parent of a disabled child who spends so much time in a carers role. It is that same problem of being ‘trapped’ in a life where socialising revolves around appointments for myself and my daughter and the limited contact that I can manage with people via the internet. It is one of those things where I am not sure if it is me making excuses and hiding away from the world or if it is the world hiding itself away from me and the problems and difficulties I have in my life.
Is there a way back for me?
So now I am sitting with a lot of questions about my life once again. I love my music and I love playing musical instruments but realistically is there any type of performing that I could do with my disability that lets me play the music I like? I am not sure there is to be honest and it has me wondering if I should think about selling my equipment and stop torturing myself with a life I am not going to get back to? Should I look at other musical outlets that are more achievable like singing instead? I feel that losing music altogether is a step that I don’t want to take as it has been part of my life since I was 5 years old. I miss going to the gigs, the feeling of joy once the gig was over and that buzz that surges through your body, energising it to the core. I miss the rehearsal room, the comradery between the band members, the stories that we could tell about gigging and the pleasure of entertaining people. I suppose most of all I miss the guys who were in the band with me and their families and friends who used to come down and see us at every gig. They became like adopted family and friends to me and since my life became so hectic I lost touch with them too. I am not sure whether trying to get in touch with everyone again is a good idea or not? Any suggestions?
So as a treat here is a link to a couple of the tracks that I used to play on with the band Caplyn about 7 years ago now. The band carried on under the same name and they have a new line up. You can see them by visiting their website over at http://www.caplyn.co.uk
The songs that I played on in my time in the band are here:
So there you have it, a little more information about me and one of the things I used to / still do love to do in my spare time. I hope you enjoyed the tracks and if you do get the chance to go and see the band Caplyn live, get yourself down because they are a great bunch of lads and you will have a great time.
Until next time folks, Stay Safe and Keep Smiling!
Sleepless In Newcastle 
Hi Keith,
I really feel your pain of torturing yourself with keeping hold of your equipment, but you sound like someone who hasn’t given up yet so I think I’d be looking down another route where you could inspire or coach others. Could you be a band manager for instance or coach? promoting through the internet, or song writing for other people with the use of a synth.
I was a singer in a meat loaf tribute band on and off for 15 years, and it occured to me I don’t have the confidence to do it any more. So I started coaching a wonderful singer/songwriter Zoe Bestel (http://www.zoebestel.co.uk/) She’s only 14, but is amazing. I use all my knowledge to advise her on many things in the music industry and keep her up to date with her vocal rehersals. I found this really made me answerable to myself and I have even started doing the warm up exercises again and finding my confidence.
I think until you’ve got to the point where you know you have to get rid, then don’t, because you still have the fight. I hope you can get to using it somehow xx
Hi Gina,
I would love to try and get to be part of something again and possibly even go for a band full of others in a similar position as I am .
If only stages were made a bit more accessible it would make things so much easier. I will get around to doing something more some day as I will never give up on my music whether it is in one form or another.
While there is breath left in me I will hum, sing or musically break wind if it is all I am able to do 😉
I will check out Zoe’s music and see what she is up to. Thanks for your support 🙂
I have to agree with both of you: coaching/mentoring (if you had the time and energy…) and some kind of home studio. It’s hard to deny you still have the dream(!). Never surrender. (Ever.)
Any updates from school? Have you practiced with your new camera?
C’mon now, share with the world!
By the way, you know what I would love to see: a video of New Castle (maybe night-life, or your old haunts…) set to your songs!
It might make a great school project too!
Just say’n,
Mark “The Yankee” L.
Hey Mark,
My new course in photography begins tomorrow and my wife has decided to join me in doing it as well. I got the chance to order another camera as well 😛
The night life may take a while as we usually can’t leave the 4 walls of the house due to the kids but when we get the chance I will be taking photos of anything and everything that I see.
I am also starting a creative writing course next week as well so there will be plenty of things going on for me to share with everyone.I have been toying with the idea of a few different videos as my daughter is really into animation and video as well.
Maybe it will give us a chance to work together on a family project about Newcastle. We are off to Malta soon as well and we all will have our own cameras so we are hoping to have a photo album showing each individual perspective.
Keep the ideas rolling though, I could use a prod in the right direction every now and again 😀
YEAH BRO! Thanks so much for posting this! Don’t let these days go, they’re so important to remember!
You were in a band, you played bass, you recorded your songs; so much more than most people!
I know the past has been unbearably painful for you, but your smile is still there, underneath it all; you’re still the man who loves music.
Be the best Dad and husband you can be, and keep the music alive!
Mark L.
Hey Mark,
Thanks Mate, it was your prodding that finally got me to go through all of the old stuff 😉
I enjoyed hearing some of the old tracks again and it did rekindle a fire in my belly again, especially after getting some pretty crappy news this week as well.
Maybe getting a home setup and recording my own stuff is the way to go. At least then I can record my efforts even if it is just me that hears them 😛
Love the tracks! Very good!
ML
I’m sorry to learn of your struggles. I don’t know what your disability is, but it sounds as though music is your life blood and will preserve your sanity while you cope with your many problems. Perhaps your old band mates could help you discover what kind of music you might be capable of. Or else, as you mention, singing, I’m told, is a wonderful release (unless it’s my voice!)
Hi Middle-Aged Matron,
I am busy finding my creative outlet through writing poems and stories at the moment as well as taking photographs which will hopefully be included on the site very soon. I do plan on going back to music but I am hoping that the creative writing may just unlock the ability to write songs and record them at home. I may even get chance to write songs for a band if they are any good. Who knows? I won’t give up though 😉